I didn't understand who I was.
I barely knew what I wanted, let along the best way to achieve it.
I did it all wrong.
I chose poorly.
Looking the other direction.
Ignored my instinct.
I lacked a lot.
It's only now that I can see just how much.
It's not an excuse.
It's not a justification.
It was the reality.
I compromised myself, in every area of my life.
A domino effect that I shouldered.
Ironically, all that weight, did not me stronger.
I was broken. I was a shell of who I wanted to be.
I chose isolation.
Held myself captive.
And somehow painted the surface with optimism and hope - lies. Lies I told myself. Lies that had been told by others.
Then it rained. Thunder and lighting, in a way that feels relentless, and darkness followed.
The painted illusion become a puddle.
I stood, in the mud, I saw myself reflected back under my feet.
Distorted, heavy, worn and sad.
But, I am grateful for the rain.
I'm grateful for the change,
Providing cleansing and clarity.
Nov 17, 2019
Sometimes I like for the rain to do the talking. It's gentle. Much more gentle than I am, sometimes, when I talk to myself.
It has a way of saying, "No." when I don't like to say it. It has a way of rocking me back to sleep before coffee fills my cup. The days are already quiet. Noticeable quiet. And not always with stillness.. more as a void. And, I fill it -- with expectations. A nagging kind of energy, the kind that shakes you, just before you fall asleep.
But the rain drowns out that internal noise.
A sweet lullaby
Softly and gently
I put on more layers, from my bed to the sofa, and I listen to its rhythm. Small taps on the window, and I listen, as the rain speaks. I keep quiet, for hours, until there's a new voice.
Just as gentle
A little warmer
A shining ray peaks my interest,
"Good Morning my Dear."
"Good Morning," I say with a smile.
"Let's try this day again."
April 20, 2020