I didn't understand who I was.

I barely knew what I wanted, let along the best way to achieve it.

I did it all wrong.

I chose poorly.

Looking the other direction.

Ignored my instinct.

I lacked a lot.

It's only now that I can see just how much. 

It's not an excuse.

It's not a justification.

It was the reality.

I compromised myself, in every area of my life. 

A domino effect that I shouldered.

Ironically, all that weight, did not me stronger.

I was broken. I was a shell of who I wanted to be. 

I chose isolation.

Held secrets.

Held myself captive.

And somehow painted the surface with optimism and hope - lies. Lies I told myself. Lies that had been told by others.

Then it rained. Thunder and lighting, in a way that feels relentless, and darkness followed.

The painted illusion become a puddle.

I stood, in the mud, I saw myself reflected back under my feet. 

Distorted, heavy, worn and sad.

But, I am grateful for the rain.

 I'm grateful for the change, 

Providing cleansing and clarity.

Nov 17, 2019

Sometimes I like for the rain to do the talking. It's gentle. Much  more gentle than I am, sometimes, when I talk to myself. 

It has a way of saying, "No." when I don't like to say it. It has a way of rocking me back to sleep before coffee fills my cup. The days are already quiet. Noticeable quiet. And not always with stillness.. more as a void. And, I fill it -- with expectations. A nagging kind of energy, the kind that shakes you, just before you fall asleep. 

But the rain drowns out that internal noise.

A sweet lullaby

A hush

Softly and gently

I put on more layers, from my bed to the sofa, and I listen to its rhythm. Small taps on the window, and I listen, as the rain speaks. I keep quiet, for hours, until there's a new voice.

Just as gentle

A little warmer

A shining ray peaks my interest,

"Good Morning my Dear."

"Good Morning," I say with a smile.

"Let's try this day again."

April 20, 2020