It's different this time

There's a shift in my heart

Deep than that even,

It feel connected to my breath

Excitement, maybe, an idea or perspective

that pulls my chest up into my throat

I try to settle it

"Hush" 

"Not yet"

But it's heavy, it pounds

Calls for my attention, but I struggle to process fast enough

Words become harder to speak

I'm asked to express my thoughts

Tears form

from unsettling reminders, past events, loss,

and yet, I know it's not the same

It's hazy, at best, indecisiveness follows

So, I wait.

Last  time, it seems to grow slowly,

in a way that had me searching

It was dark,

I wanted out. 

But, not this time.

It's not the same darkness, yet, I swallow hard.

Push down what was bubbling underneath

"Oh," she says, "you're changing"

"But we're always changing"

These lyrics replay in my head

And this time, I've very aware of it 

I caused it.

And here I am trying to quiet 

what my heart already knows.

I sit with it

Echos and longings

until it becomes clear.

May 2, 2019

I can tell you

Long shadows still exist,

even when the sunset is warm

and the colors are radiant

across the tree top

I can tell you 

It's not gone forever.

It can still sting,

sharp then a dull ache

Trapped,

between your shoulder blades

But it doesn't last, not as long

I can tell you

You won't fear the weightless falling

you once felt, collapsing inside yourself

Not when you move away from it

Or, better yet, address the abyss head on

Know, that darkness has its own light

I can tell you

There's a lot to say, a lot more to feel

Goosebumps even

Plenty of yourself was closed off,

seeking shelter

Because when it rains, it pours

I can tell you 

It's best to wring out your heart,

and let the softness return.

May 9, 2019

I built a shell

Not as armor, not for battle

but as a shelter,

The shell,

weight that was carried,

gave me a place where I could hide

or retreat,

It was my starting point

Until my skin was thick and 

I didn't need shell,

I felt light, warmth, connection,

Less hiding and retreating,

Experiences changing more than my 

exterior,

But I couldn't stay

not even in that skin for long,

The word 'joy' 

danced around me,

like lightning bugs

I was drawn to them,

Small moments of light in the darkness

Hopeful and magical,

I hadn't see them since last Summer

I always love Summer

I opened my hands slowly

Smiling,

I saw a faint glow

the kind that ignites a fire,

Joy, they call it,

Passion.

May 16, 2019